my existence

|>me |ian
|>existed |230589
|>status |married. |>currently |working |>represented |nineteen.19
|>piercings |labret'tongue
|>hue |red.black.pink
|>my songs |onlyone*
....broken this fragil thing now

i know this love between us is growing stronger
you can call me whenever from wherever
just remember that

i'll be there
through all the stormy weather
+us+ break up never
no we'll be together
in my heart you'll always be
and more to me
for I.
know this love between us
is growing stronger

for you are always
on my mind
you know that

you are always
on my mind?

spank me again

Image: I
Designer: I
Brush: I

my utopia



  • April 2006
  • May 2006

  • talk

    Saturday, April 29, 2006

    Cuttin' through the darkest night in my two headlights
    Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here to the twilight
    There's a dead end to my left, there's a burning bush to my right
    You aren't in sight, you aren't in sight

    Do you want me, like I want you?
    Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
    Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
    Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
    Was that you passing me by?

    Mothers on the stoop, boys in souped-up coupes on this hot summer night
    Between fight and flight is the blind man's sight and the choice that's right
    I roll the window down, feel like I'm gonna drown in this strange town
    Feel broken down, I feel broken down

    Do you need me, like I need you?
    Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
    Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
    Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
    Was that you passing me by?

    Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow
    Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow

    Do you love me, like I love you?
    Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
    Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
    Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
    Was that you passing me by?
    Are you passing me by? (Passing me by)
    Do you want me? (Passing me by)
    Do you need me, like I need you too?
    And do you want me, like I want you?
    Are you passing me by?

    <3 12:27 PM

    |if i could ask god one question.. " why aren't you here with me tonight? "

    let the rain fall down. i'm coming clean.
    today. i cried.
    what else is there to say?
    lets go back. back to the begainning.
    i walk alone.

    will you be there to comfort me?
    i didn't reject you.
    i never will.
    i just don't know how to accept it.
    i'm sorry


    i'm sorry

    <3 12:03 PM

    Thursday, April 27, 2006

    |believe me, i'm much stronger than i look.

    joe. you're never gonna beat us down. believe me. if you really treat my baby as a friend. you shouldn't be asking her how to lead her life. you have no right at all to tell her who she should be with and who she shouldn't. as a friend, you should advise her on the right choices to take, not to put her down like this. i dunno if you're a bung or not. if you are, then don't f***ing hell throw bung's face on the floor. please. get yourself a life and stop barging into others.

    baby, while pi sai was playing maple. i was "trying" to read her book. couldn't understand a single sh*t perhaps it was because my mind was preoccupied. i was thinking about you the whole time. after some time, i wrote something for you again. i just allowed my mind to just linger away. i was thinking about yesterday's night. how we.. merged. i dunno. i just can't find the word to protray how exactly i feel about yesterday night. i needed to feel you so badly. i liked it whenever i kissed your ears.. and you'll shut your eyes tightly and just take in deep breathes.baby. you're beautiful. in all ways. i know, your friends might be objective owards this relationship. i just hope time will just prove them wrong. baby.
    i love you.

    and people, i swear i hate my PERIOD. the whole night i was complaining to baby. "i hate my menses." this is so unfair. girls just get all the fun don't they. bleah~ baby, i just hope you enjoyed the night as much as i did. believe me, it'll be something i keep deep within for the rest of my life. this i promise you.

    went out to eat dinner with charmaine and pisai. ate chicken rice again. if there were to be birdflu circulating now, i know i'll definately be the 1st person to die. man. pisai told me something that was really touching. can you believe it. charmaine and kellyn were asking pisai if there was anyway for them to be my guardian. how sweet can that get? they wanted me to go back pursueing my studies and my love for art. man.. they wanted to talk to some authority so that they could help me. man, no one has ever said this kinda stuff to me before, besides val. sighh** makes me think, do i deserve such nice people?

    i need to drink. but definately not that distilled vodka. i wan something strong. yet nice. with flavours. like drinkable. and not smell like some ethanol. or something from the chem or phy lab. pouts** ian wants to club. pouts** i'm hungry again.

    |take me deeper now.

    <3 6:03 AM

    Wednesday, April 26, 2006

    |you got me lifted.

    right. went off to woodlands to eat seoul garden yesterday. omg. i never felt like a friggingpig before and worst of all, pisai really can eat. boy, you should have seen that pig dig in. once she started it really did seem as though she couldn't stop. now i finally understood the meaning of a bottomless pit. laughhs** we went searching for something to give my mummy. so confused. well, all of us were. once in a while in life right? ha. mummy called. told me that she was with wayne. she was willing to forgo pisai and meet wayne. some ass who actually broke her heart thousands of time already. love can really be blind. wells, i told pisai that it was time. she had to make a move and fast before she loses someone that could be potentially the one. i just didn't want her to regret not having to make any decisions. i mean, even though we kinda all acted on impluse. but, the results proved otherwise. we ran around causeway point searching for a perfect gift. we decided to buy tons of candles and huge bear. cliche. i know but it was the thought that count right? we went to "name a gift." we got this bear that was in a balloon. huh. this doesn't make sense. but ya, it still looked cute. and [don't steal credits] its MY idea. i'm just another sweet-ass. thank you.

    baby came over last night. had our own share of fun. smiles** she bought over a bottle of Smirnoff.[triple distilled.premium vodka.] it didn't exactly taste that good. but, i guess all of us just wanted to get drunk. get high.. and f*** the night away. laughh** this sounds wrong. then again. its good. ha. pi sai was really a goner once the night got older. she just kept on drinking and drinking. most probably gotten drunk infront of the computer or something. luckily she didn't have any porn inside her com except for the NYP one. if not i reckon that most likely she would have gotten herself high. with her own hands. laughh** me and baby on the other hand. got... haha. extremely cheeky. hahaha. ok. lets get serious. yesterday night. was.

    go figure.

    she's still on the whole slapping me thing. cries** nevermind about that. i just feel like whining. she had to leave early this morning. i manage to convince. or should i say force her to stay for a lil while longer. sighh* if only if you knew that it was painful for me to see you leave. i need you back in my life. well, half the time we actually took turns being in front of the lappy. which actually pissed me off quite badly. cause i just want her next to me in bed. close. to feel her warm breath beneath mine. sighh** you have no idea how that actually melts me from wihin every single time you kiss me. baby. i'm so needy of you. sighh**

    |all about loving you..

    <3 11:51 PM

    Tuesday, April 25, 2006

    Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
    You are my only one
    I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
    You are my only, my only one

    omg.my period. this seriously stinks.
    woke up at 1:35pm today. was suppose to meet mummy at 2pm at tiong. we planned so much on the previous night. be wanted to get flowers for the girls and make the day just really sweet for them. hopefully they know our hearts.
    its now 6:07am. here i am. blogging. what is wrong with me.
    met mummy at tiong. boring really. so many bung. passive. usual. thank god i didn't see iverson though. laughhs** but i did see someone related to her. to us. the whole trilogy. me. her. iverson. damn. past just sucks beautifully. decided to go town. [not surprised right?] the plan initially was to go get seoul garden. like, awesome huh? but then, our dreams was shattered when.. there is just isn't any in town.. we went, paragon, heeren, to plaza sing. damn town. where the hell did the seoul garden go to? so sad. so so sad.
    was meeting baby at suntec city to get some "free" ice-creams. i know, you people must be thinking.
    wha lau eh, this bung hor! really typical singaporean eh. got free thing then go.
    you're right. living in singapore. you have to get "Typical" together with the local. if not you'll have a difficult time having to blend.
    back to the day.
    on our way there. --since we decided to walk. guess who i met! omg. omg. omg. sighh** i saw dawn and pris. i dunno whether to be happy or to be utterly stunned. i think was abit of both. damn. feelings were all ... squashy. whatever kind of feeling that is. both of them thought i got caught. laugh** this is hilarious. they were like, damn, yvonne is the 1st absconder to try out the whole lock-up, holding bay, god-knows what more. ohh well, pris told me, now, everyone is just in dorm according to their discharged date. i could literally guess who's with who now. crappy shit* one new fact of the day. hidayati absconded. my princess. sighhs** nothing i could say now.
    went over to suntec. met baby. she seem to like to pink rose pretty much. hopefully she wasn't allergic to pollen or something. phew~ baby, i'm so sorry for today. the menses thingi wasn't eactly doing me too well. i was just all moody and stuff. you know the typical period thing. sorry. you didn't do anything wrong. bare with me for this few moments. i promise you that everything will get better. okay? huggs tightly** and back to the free ice-cream. it didn't really come true. there goes my cookies and cream.*cries. don't ask me why people cause, things just happen on spur. we ended up walking to candy empire and saw 2 bungs. short. daddy look a-like. mummy had to stop staring. haha.. i swear, i hate candies. chocolates [except milky bar] and.. ya.
    just when i thought i can quit fagging. its quite impossible. its like.. totally impossible. yet, i'm still gonna do it. just to prove to the damn world that i can do this. why? i dunno. i really don't.
    just hold me in your arms. and don't ever. ever let me go. --baby.
    came back. ntu. cleaned up the room. its clean all right. but i still can't breath properly tonight. perhaps its..due to fagging? nar, rediculous. i'm just linking everything to it. bleahs** but really. breathing is tough. now. inhales***
    after that. we took a shower. smiles* it'll always feel good. lalala.~
    black cat. is just urine now. haha. and i just pee-ed. lols. go figure. i only know i was spitting nonsense everywhere. especially to baby. i'm sorry for being drunk. i..needed a release. really. i really did.
    by the way, michele and loraine is..CRAZY, MAD, LUNATIC, SIAO~ omg. when will they get a life. imagine, their msn nicks now are like."lets be detectives." crazy man. me, my mummy and pisai were in the bus. screwing them upside down, dissing them and Reminding them about where their maturity level really stands. bleah~ they are just like ammature porn. eee. eee. some thing that some small boy would giggle and go pointing "mummy, why she got so many mountians on her body one?" by the way, michele and kel are back together. laughh** you just proved my point you dumbo. really. all this while. you were having fun, dissing me and all. hey girl, remember what you told me? me and kel= nothing. now you tell me, there is something from the start. girl, you just switched the bad light to your ownself. first, you told me you love me. now you're finding all sort of reasons to cover that. girl. you ARE screwed. no doubt about it. really.
    enough about people who are redundent to this society. really.

    |Here I go so dishonestly
    Leave a note for you my only one
    And I know you can see right through me
    So let me go and you will find someone

    <3 3:04 PM

    Monday, April 24, 2006

    |its 647am. my tears cant stop.

    i read nearly all of her post. my heart. stopped. how am i suppose to feel? i often wonder, is this right? i love her. i do. but does she love another? yet, i question myself again, why am i asking all these "why"s.. because i can't help my mind from being unable to not lead astray.

    i wanna play basketball

    with you.
    i wanna roller blade
    with you.

    i wanna watch love movies
    with you.
    i wanna do everything
    with you.
    i wanna spend the rest of my life
    in your arms.

    you can write. the one on top is amazing. beautiful. for. her.

    <3 3:48 PM

    |do you know what it feels like of being all alone?

    michele has been bugging pisai. poorthing. sighh** what exactly does she want from me. i'm truely confuse. it was her who wanted to give up. and now she's putting me in a bad light. should i even allow what she's saying affect me that much? she made me fear relationship. i was more than willing to give her my all. and yet she literally took me for granted and just wanted more and more. was that fair? all i ever wanted for her was for us to just take on this journey hand in hand. not for her to change into something but yet.. most of the time. it did feel as though i was the one changing for her. nevermind about that. the past.. is just one horride nightmare.

    leave my life now. please.

    baby came over yesterday. she reached here around 5pm. I could tell that she was so tired after work and all.. i'm sorry baby for making you come all the way here just to spend some time together. just before she came, pisai already went off to her friends room. to "study" [in the end she just fell asleep..pig] all that were left was me and my baby. smiles** and not forgetting black cat.. baby was like addicted to it cause she just kept on drinking and drinking and .... drinking. think she went a little crazy. it became obvious when she started slapping me. my entire life. noone ever did slap me. nope. but she did. i wasn't a tinge mad. instead. i just loved the way she giggled and smile. baby, as long as you're happy. the whole time, she just kept laughing and drinking her way.. i loved the way she would cuddle herself right next tome. and have her arms wrap around me tight. baby, all i could see was just... you and me.

    baby was extremely cheeky that day in perticular. laughhs** and i finally overcome my fear kissing someone with braces. and people... they don't cut. laughh** every single time we got to go a little further. i just feel so much closer to you. baby. tell me you won't leave. sighhs** and from it all. i've got to admit. baby is definately a good kisser. too bad, she's only mine. smiles** i know you hate the whole smoking and kissing thing. i'm sorry. i've already gotten so used to it. but you don't have to worry anymore. i quit. i finally did. i just want you to be happy.

    i started thinking again. a whole lot more.. my heart couldn't stand the sting so i had to leave the room to fag. baby i hope you do understand. its times like this.. ya. i just hope you really do. got a new pack of viceroy menthol super lights.. not really my type of cigg. but baby said it should be time for me to take something thats much lighter than the usual red. my throat wasn't exactly all that happy when i inhale. but baby was there and i just didn't want to disappoint her. so i told her it tasted fine. we were at the roof.. hehe. getting all cheeky again. baby, you have to stop getting me all ... "up there" you cheeky lil monster.. always wanting to pull my boxers a little higher each time.. baby. **shakes head. i'm shy too you know. the worse thing was, in the whole process of making out and stuff... laughhs** we happen to have visitors. who were happily enjoying our free show. "damn", but we continued anyway. ha.

    there was this point, were we listened to the song "angel".. and the both of us just fell asleep. baby, you looked beautiful. with your eyes all shut and everything was just so calm. sighh** if only i could have you in my arms for a lil' longer. i'll never be content. sighhs**

    Two lips telling secrets
    Two hearts connecting
    ...arms feeling warmth
    ...legs intertwined
    bodies becoming one
    souls being lifted to heaven
    us,beginning a new life as one

    <3 1:52 PM

    Saturday, April 22, 2006

    Rain fell down
    You were there
    I cried for you when I
    hurt my hand
    Storm a-rushing in
    Wind was howling
    I called for you, you were there

    Whenever dark turns to night
    And all the dreams sing their song
    And in the daylight forever
    To you I belong

    Beside the sea
    When the waves broke
    I drew a heart for you in the sand
    In fields where streams
    Turn to rivers
    I ran to you, you were there

    Whenever dark turns to night
    And all the dreams sing their song
    And in the daylight forever
    To you I belong

    I ran to you, you were there

    Whenever dark turns to night
    And all the dreams sing their song
    And in the daylight forever
    To you I belong--

    |baby, to you i belong. smiles**

    cartel.sentosa.babys home.

    what a day.woke up at about 12:30pm. left the hostel with pisai at about 1:30pm. omg. something is so wrong. well, we went off to cafe cartel to see baby.i read her blog ystd night. [someone please heal my broken my heart] i knew they were all past entries. yet it feels so recent. it feels as though you're still feeling the same way even though you told me thousands of times that your feelings for pig has already faded away. baby, i'm sorry. the sentences..just pierced my heart as i read thru it. why is it that pain is so real. i don't feel that anyone just feels the way i do. nevermind, i know all this will come to past one day. time. yes, time will do the job. but...then again, is time even my side? sighh**

    took bus 30 from boon lay interchange. gawd. i could have sworn that that was really like the longest bus ride ever. it literally gives you a flat butt after you alight at the other end of the journey--bedok. yes. you people do the math. then took 608 [i think] to siglap. to go pay my baby a visit. by the time we got there, it was already 2:45pm nearing 3pm. mummy arrived at town at 1:45pm. gawd. i had my heart torn into 2 for that moment. but somehow, my heart told me to place someone that i had intimate feelings with first and on the other hand, i knew that mummy would understand. right?? thanks mummy. ilu* smiles** well, baby had to give tuition to one of her juniors. watching her there... concentrating on the paper and all.. made me feel so, useless. she was good in her studies, everything. she was top at it. and me? i'm nothing compared to that. i'm just... nothing. i felt, as though i wasn't able to match up to her. i couldn't continue. but pisai told me that that is just something that i have to overcome if i really wanna start thinking about wanting to have a serious relationship with her. she's just so beautiful. and for me? i'll always be that ugly duckling. yea. that heaven is over-rated. sighh**

    well, we went off to baby's house to let her get change and stuff so that we can all go sentosa together. phew~ for a moment i was so afraid that she didn't wanna come along. not forgetting that she has work the very next day [morning shift] and that she was feeling all vulnerable during work earlier.. baby, i'm so sorry. thinking back, you should have stayed home to rest. you need it. i feel guilty. sighh** went off to town, wisma, in a cab. in the cab. pi sai sat infront. me and baby had the back sits to ourselves. smiles** she rested her head on my shoulders. i know i don't have comfy ones. but she made me smile when she did that. i was contemplating whether or to hold her hand. i didn't want her to feel that we were moving too fast and i was afraid that she'll just push me away. then again, who isn't afraid of rejection. the big R. but in the end, when i was able to interlock my fingers with hers. i felt all special. the butterflies in my tummy were gone. i felt whole again. i just wanted that moment to last a lifetime.met up with mummy outside topshop somewhere in between topshop and the mrt station.. the usual. laughter and jokes. and everything else but fagging. omg. this part i hate so much. seriously. they so deprived me of my ciggs. why.... why can't i fag...? okay i know. i'm just being whiney. pisai was being such an ass by smoking to my face and all. was kinda pissed. cause here i am trying to not think about that strong urge that i'm having so badly, there she is dissing me about the whole "look at me, i can smoke. at you face" man.. imagine. i could have stab her. nar... i love her. still. daddy dropped by with 2 .... ugly, very ugly girls. what is wrong with her. she looked cute as usual. [daddy. ilu*!!] and i could tell that mummy was just happy to see her. baby said she was cute. nearly everyone that she say was cute in her eyes. it doesn't matter. as long as i knew that she looks cute in mine. yupps. daddy hair was long. besides wondering when was gonna cut it, at the very same time i was thinking.. she just gave me the feeling that she would like turn passive or straight any time soon. laughhs** my daddy would be my mummy soon. laughhs** .... so from there, moo decided that we take a cab there.. on our way to the heeren's taxi stand, i saw leroy and zen. my jaw dropped. nevermind about them. dumb faggorts. plus mummy wanted to check out cine whether or not wayne was there or not to show our "interest" in j-punk.. laughhs** omg. they just look as though they had a bad... make-up day. when will you guys wake up? cause they look as though they are still sleeping within a nightmare walking around orchard. hahaha... thus from there, steph decided that we should like spilt cabs cause there were six of us. me and baby were in one, pisai, mummy and cow were in the other. i was happy.

    [i want to fall in love you.] in the cab, i got closer physically with baby. it felt good. it felt so right. if only time could just paused for a little longer. thankfully when we reached sentosa, baby could read maps. if not i think the cab would have been lost in the midst of ... sentosa. laughh** man i suck at map-reading. sorry mrs leong. geog classes are like nap times. haha. during the journey there. on our way to costa sand.. i dunno why. i dunno how, our eyes met. everything was all blurry at first. the cab was jerking badly.. but the next thing i knew it, i went forward. so did baby. and our lips met. omg. our lips met. until now, lying on the cold hard floor. i'm able to imagine it and have it replayed over and over again in my mind. aww.. :) i love you. and i definately love your wonderful sweet kisses. we reached the resort, mummy, pi sai and cow were already there waiting for us at the main lobby. smiles. we went ahead, my first time there. the only thing i could remember about the place is that, the pool was a shape of a kidney bean. ha, cute. upon arrival. we went up to the room and placed our bags there. we realised that cow was like our laughing pill. she could say papaya and we would start laughing. especially baby. but baby, i hope you really did enjoy as much as i think you did. we got hungry decided that meehoon and popiah doesn't work for us so we decided to head to sakae sushi to eat. i was... disappointed. cause i was like allergic to nearly everything there. scallop, prawns, nearly all the seafood. good food. bleah** i didn't really eat much. a few wierd tasting sushi and raw salmon shared between me and mummy. i was happy. went back to the resort. on our way back. it was drizzling but being under that soft rain drops hand in hand with baby feels as if i'm in some love story. [hopefully all fairytales have a happy ending.. cause baby, i don't wanna lose you.] got back to the room. i vomitted whatever that i swallowed. throat was swelled. i hated that feeling. but i pretended that i was fine. and when we were heading back, they attempted to hinder me from my fagging again. passing my ciggs around like its some ball. how sad.

    275S hehehe... that is the license plate to the nice couple who drove a lorry that actually bothered to stop and allowed us to board the pickup and take a free ride to harbour front. pisai was all about romancing with my mummy. the nanny and mummy scandel. laughh** they look so cute together. i held baby's hand. while we enjoyed the strong wind that was running pass our faces. we were all filled with smiles. everyone was happy back then. so when the ride came to a halt. cow's dad was fetching her back we decided to send baby home to her condo by taking bus 10. if only there were longer rides. baby, i had great fun during the whole journey. time seem to fly fast. but believe ime, i have got everything recorded and kept in a safe within my heart.

    it felt so wonderful to be able to cuddle baby in my arms. she was being all cheeky with her hands.. but i wanted her to know that, she touches me.. anywhere and i feel that special tingle. nobody ever made me feel that way. baby, let no body get in between us all right? i want you to know that you're the one for me ! i love you. and i know you love my fats. laughhhs** shh... its suppose to be a hush hush** thing remember? baby no body can take me higher... no body can make me feel this way... i must stick with u. smiles** [my hands are numb from all the typing and my eyes are blurry from the lappie screen] baby all i wanted to know was that,will you end up rgretting one day being with me? i dunno. i hope not. i hope that day won't have to come.. promise baby?

    even if you're at UK or any part of the world for that matter.. .3, 4, 5 year.. how long it may be. i'll never let go of this. until you want me to. because, without you. life just doesn't make sense anymore.

    <3 4:41 PM

    Wednesday, April 19, 2006

    |fly butterfly....fly

    make me immortal with one kiss.

    there are many things in this world and you,are one of them
    many things are happening and you are one of them.

    and the happening that
    is you keep falling like snow.

    but you like snow, like love, keep falling..
    and its not certain that the world might one day be covered
    in a glitter of crystalline whiteness..


    ---an alien that alien to me.

    <3 8:52 PM

    |.fingers intertwining
    life lines touching
    an embrace

    gawd. it has been a long time ever since i actually start writing again. i must say i owe it all to szeteng. girl, if it wasn't for you. i never would have actually touch on my poems again. believe me. it would have just rot in the dumpsters. thanks again. i owe it to you. well, hopefully things do work out with pig. be it the best choice for you is to just move on or just simply to wait till one fine day perhaps she'll be touched by all that you have done for her. i know we don't know each other for long. i want you to know that whatever it is ... i'll be supporting you all the way all right ?

    we'll share moments that will last to the end. smiles**

    well, mummy is still in the hospital. i'm worried. what if, even on the day that she moves on. what if i never get the chance to actually tell her how exactly i'm sorry for not being able to fulfil what you wish your perfect daughter to be. forgive me. for i have sin against you time and time again. life hasn't been an easy road to take either since i left your comfort zone. imu* i mean it mum. every breath that i'm taking now, i owe it to you. why is it that god. heavenly shit has to be so unfair that someone as beautiful as you has to be suffering.. mum. i'm sorry. i took your presence for granted. and now, slowly...you're just slipping away.. like sand that flowing thru my tightly grasp hand. if i could, if i had a chance to play god. i swear i would never let you go thru all that pain and sufferings. till now, i still find my tear flowing down my cheeks whenever i think back on how you use to say that i'm just a lil' girl.. and that i'm growing up too fast. i would just scream and ask you to just stop it. cause i was a big girl now. and yet. deep down. in your eyes. i knew i'll always be that lil' innocent girl that you'll always love. i guess i just didn't like other people to take charge of my life. i wanted to be independent. but i never did went far without your hand holding onto mine tightly. just how you used to do so whenever you got so emotional. no matter where you'll be, in your lil' own utopia or be it in someones elses arms i know you'll always be right here next to me. watching me grow up. i never did get the chance to tell this. never did. and i really doubt i would get the chance to. mum.. all i wish for and all i need is to tell you. i love you. i do.

    as all my emotions uncurl ......
    the stars that we put in place. will always be engraved in my heart...

    <3 1:23 PM