my existence

|>me |ian
|>existed |230589
|>status |married. |>currently |working |>represented |nineteen.19
|>piercings |labret'tongue
|>hue |red.black.pink
|>my songs |onlyone*
....broken this fragil thing now

i know this love between us is growing stronger
you can call me whenever from wherever
just remember that

i'll be there
through all the stormy weather
+us+ break up never
no we'll be together
in my heart you'll always be
and more to me
for I.
know this love between us
is growing stronger

for you are always
on my mind
you know that

you are always
on my mind?

spank me again

Image: I
Designer: I
Brush: I

my utopia



  • April 2006
  • May 2006

  • talk

    Monday, May 08, 2006

    |i just wanna live

    <--this is mae. hehe.
    she came over to ntu to come find me. how sweet!! haha.. and you're so not a princess okay!! you are MY old woman. laughh* thanks for the currypuff. my tummy really needed something to fill it up. smiles**

    pisai finally came back. finally. me and mae were at jp's coffee bean. chilling and pisai finally came back after 2 days. met us there. and we decided to go EAT!!! like finally. went to some wierd shanghai stall at the food court. got myself some suan la mian. whatever that is. then i thought to myself: wait.. after not eating for one day spicy food might not be the best option. but... hopes dashed when the food was already served. ohh well. it didn't taste nice. so i was feeding pisai with most of it. hehe. she knew immediately when i didn't finish my food. aww... brother, you just know me la. hehe. wells, after that we went to get grocery at ntuc. went to get some jap mushroom, button mushroom, omg.. and more mushroom. wanted pisai to taste my mum's super duper marvelous mushroom soup. cooked by me. haha. then there were the few campbell soups. cream of mushroom, chicken, mushroom n chicken. laughh** bought ourself some prawn cracker to nibble on. after finishing getting our stuff. this stupid pisai realised that she lost her wallet. sighh** shakes head. immediately, i told them to wait there and i'll go to coffee bean to search for it. on the way there, was on the escalator. saw lynn with her current girlfriend. she passed me as she was on the other direction. i called out to her softly while she was all cuddly with her girlfriend. and she got a jolt and literally pushed out of her girlfriends arms. i was there thinking: whoa what's that for? so i just scratched my head and went on in search for pisai's wallet. went off to the counter and they said yupps. so thankfully some stranger is kind enough to not take anything from the wallet and returns it to the management of coffee bean.. so, then we went down, i was telling pisai about the whole lynn experience. then the both of us were equally shocked. cause why is it that she had to react that way. i mean, at the end of the day, we knew so long ago that the both of them were attached what. hmm **scratch head. nevermind. paid our stuff and guess who we saw again? lynn and that.. erm ya. wells, i guess pisai had enough of her dumb facial expressions we decided to not socialise that much and leave. went off to buy fags. [viceroy menthol lights] fag together with mae. our cute lil princess. talked about my bdae. kinda upset. cause these kinda things, i thought... somehow or another shouldn't my girlfriend be involved in the planning too? but nevermind. i shrug off any form of negative thought. so.. while we came up the escalator... right at the entrance of coffee bean.. there she was. +SHE+.. sighh** i.. wanted to say "hi" so badly. after all this while. she still lingered. but yet. she took a glimpse of me. and turned away. she, her son and... 2 guys. nevermind. i went all silent after that. the both of them noticed. but i just. i dunno. i just didn't know how to react after that. when we sat down.. together with all the wierd "illegal immigrants" surrounding us.. half way thru my stick, mae came close. and asked me softly. "hey... you okay? you went quiet all of a sudden. whats up." and i muttered. " i saw... her." and mae was like. "omg. then? why didn't you say hi" ... ... ... that sour tinge came again.

    "she didn't allow me to."

    nevermind. so then and there. we went back on our own seperate ways. pisai's hall friends wanted to share cab.. joined ron in a cab while the rest of them went off in another. theys were all eagerly wanted to test out ron's 3g cam. but then we all realised, the one that was shown in the advertisment.. is so friggin' clear.. the one that is shown on the dumb screen ... is so distorted. wth.

    went back, i cooked my mummy's mushroom soup for pisai. and she loved it. smiles** and she said"you better cook this more often." hehe.. i was like . okay! --anything for you brother!
    well..after getting our shower and all.. we decided to cook pasta. ha. i was hungry. hehe. yupps. after filling our tummy... we all decided to head to bed and just put the itunes on and just read our book. so there we were. the 2 extremely CUTE bungs.. on bed reading. me=the time traveler's wife. and pisai=the prometheus deception. [i can't even pronounce her title. wtf] ohh well, then we decided to open the bag of prawn crackers to ... nibble. hahaha. we finished it within.. 15 mins?! haha.. so much for nibble. laughh** so a lil while after that. my poor old brain says.."nap time" and i told pisai that i shall doze....zzzzzzz

    it was good to have my best bro by my side.

    i read your blog.
    i'm sorry.
    sorry for making you feel miserable.
    i want to see you... soon.
    i hope. me and pisai.
    come on bro. admit it.
    fagging rocks.
    smiles widely .

    imu* alot.

    |i'd do anything. just to fall asleep with you.

    <3 6:19 PM

    Sunday, May 07, 2006

    omg. i'm missing pisai.

    |show me the meaning of being lonely.

    brother... come back soon kay ?

    <-- hehe. pisai trying to be some buddha. fat hope la. hehe
    i love you!!! hehe

    <3 10:42 PM

    lala. thats me trying real hard to act cute.
    laughhs** don't be an ass and laugh. i do look cute. hehe.
    well,the day before yesterday, went off town with my dearest brother pisai. met up with moo and mummy. moo left after 2 mins. had to go home cause her mom needed her to be back by a certain time on that day. [its okay moo, no need to apologise. just make it up to me on my bdae by turning up for it okay!?] well, then there were me, pisai and my mummy. felt so much like a lightbulb. pouts~ where is my baby. hehe wells, got to know this girl name mae. aww, she's just the sweetest thang on earth. hehe. hung out for real long at rocky masters. with benji[some gay dude. who actually is good looking..] for a few hours, then mac come along together with kaeson and von. thought for a moment kaeson was attached to mae. never did know they were actually good friends. smiles. von and kaeson were a table away from us and mac was then talking to me about michele. --pinksheep. about what she commented about me and all. upset as i was.. i held back my anger and tears. i swallowed them all. the stuff that she said about me pulled my self-esteem down so darn low. i could only bite my lip hard and continued listening unwillingly. how sad. how...painful. am i really that bad a bung? then, pisai called up kellyn thinking that she might be with charmaine in town or something. but then we realised that she was at home.
    next moment. bam. pisai was tearing.
    sighh** things just bad to worst. i couldn't digest all the facts. i was and still am in shock. disbelief. kellyn, my potato. everything would be all right. i promise. i know. we all do. and whatever it is, i'm here. i'll be your potato forever. iights? sighhh* we then decided to leave the group cause wayne was there together with keith[or whatever her name was] i wasn't having issues with them. but i was sure pisai sure did feel uncomfortable cause wayne was there. so i said bye to sisi and her gf. and then keith said"yvonne tay. i know who the hell you are" ... ... ... the day was already bad enough and she had to make my blood just raise right up to the rooftop. how upsetting. my fist all clenched. but sisi held me back and told me to just leave cause they drank alot. so i answer. "laypeng. i know who the hell YOU are too." and left. went over to HMV. pisai.. my poor brother was still... upset. sighh** i didn't know what to say. there i was again. all lost not knowing what exactly was the best way to comfort someone. i'm sorry brother if i wasn't good at making you feel better. words don't work for me. i'm sorry. hopefully you're better now. we searched for a place to sit down. was at the edge for a moment. then we decided to do something for kellyn. i made a suggestion to but a sketch book and start drawing for kellyn. something that i have never done for anyone. all my sketch book were all my works. never have i done something like that before. ... ... ... yea. then we sat down at mac donalds at takka. started off with "kellyn. --her beauty just shines." sighh** then got really emotional. but still trying to put on a front thru it all. went over to cine again to get ourselves a decent meal. i ate chicken rice. not bad. chilli was good. yupps. went on to rockys to complete the rest of it. sat there till about 12plus? wasn't sure of the time. then the shit stuff had to happen. pisai phone went flat out dead. how nice. we then decided to head back to pisai's home. get the phone charged and get some money to go down to kellyn house and pass it to her face to face. took loads of dvds..to keep myslf entertained if pisai were to head on home. got over to kellyn house at rivervalley.. somewhere in sengkang. got to see her. she looks pale. must have been malnutrition. been eatting fish porriage. [besides the wonton noodles] haha but that <-- was illegal. haha. don't worry all right. after this, potato, we'll go eat something good together. i promise. the results would only come out on tuesday. but girl, everything would turn out fine. you'll swift thru all this. only a minor hiccup right? hehe. kellyn went off to take a snooze on her bed. so me and pisai decided to watch underworld. the first one. [not underworld evolution] yeah. not that bad. all the gore and violence was.. interesting. haha. but, the whole vampires and lycons things was way cool. i'm glad that me and pisai liked it.
    after the whole thing. me and pisai and kellyn decided to go to some wierd mall to go eat breaky. yeah!! kellyn treated me and pisai to some mac donalds. aww..so sweet right? hehe huggs. thanks potato.i ate sausage mac muffin w/ egg. and coffee. haha. yummy. and pisai took the hotcakes with sausage meal. smiles. i love mac breaky. loads!!!! thats MY macdonalds. so everyone should just back off. hahaha..
    so then while we were on the verge of falling asleep [after staying awake for 24 hours] me and pisai that it was time to get a decent haircut for ourselves. hair was growing out of control. haha. there were 3 salons. jean yip, kimage and some hair inn or something. right next to each other. took us some disgusstion and all to decided whichi one we should go. kimage. -- even though we had the $20 voucher. the price was just too high. $31.90 for a normal hair cut plus wash. that would be like eqivalent to me wanting to dye my hair. bleah~ strikes out.hair inn. -- there was this bung hairdresser there. but pisai didn't really trust guys nor bungs cause she believe they wound do a good job unless they are gays. haha. yupps. so last option. jeanyip. the BEST. but in the end, my hair turn out to be the shorther version of last time. and pisai hair. was still the same. sighh** money wasted. but we were still happy. i guess. bought ciggs. some orange brand. it was okay. like smoking paper with an orange taste every single time you suck in.$10.10. ohh well. met up with mae again. really nice of her to come down all the way from chinatown. to where we were. then right after that. we took a long2 bus ride to sengkang and took another bus back to boonlay. smiles** the bus ride was so long. and i was so drained out. sighh** talked to mae the entire bus ride while taking occasional glances at pisai. sleeping so soundly. i love my brother. hehehe. came back to ntu together with mae. she decided to stay over to keep me company while pisai had to leave to head back home cause her mummy missed her pretty badly. bye brother. you'll definately be missed. then, me and mae started surfing the net. looking at all the cut and hot bungs. it felt so wrong. i'm a bung myself yet i'm seeing my own species. haha. but it was fun la.
    mae was a bundle of joy, she made me feel me. something that was really difficult to do. but we had a great time. i took 3 pills of flu med. was realy drowsy and doze off on the bed. not soon after. mae fell asleep too. woke up about 12 plus in the morning. went off the brush my teeth, then fag a morning stick and decided to go to jp to coffee bean to hang for a while. drank ice-blended vanilla. while watch mae eat a blue-berry cheesecake. i wasn't a fan of cheese cakes. luckily. ahaha... i saw hwee khim and meiqi. still together. both tall and all pretty looking, haha. what luck. after that it was about 255pm i sent mae back to the train station. after giving a nice hugg. she left for home to get changed to meet mac. some relationship problem thing AGAIN. sighh**
    i took 199 back again. thinking. i'm tired. haha. thats all.
    baby, i'm sorry i couldn't call you. my dumb phone ran out of prepaid. so it was tough on my side. i'm sorry. hope you are fine.huggs. i miss you.

    |ian do rock socks.

    <3 1:10 AM

    Wednesday, May 03, 2006

    |are you going to leave me?

    its going to be 5am in the morning soon. and i think i'm really crazy not to be asleep. i don't know why. but, i guess i'm just forcing myself to drain out every single energy out of me so that hopefully [fingers crossed] tomorrow would end faster. why? don't ask. cause i don't have an answer to it either. i just want time to pass on quickly. sighh** but somehow or another, things just seems to go the other way. slower. and slower. darn* [ #!?/#%@! ] yeah, i'm sure you people understand right?

    today, or should i say yesterday, nothing much really did happen. it was calm and simple on the "outside" world.. yet within me. my emotions went out of control. pisai would be the only person that would EVER understand me. the rest? shrugs** tried and failed. and just refuse to try again. nevermind about that. well, i starved myself all the way until 4pm till pisai woke up [like finally] from her beauty sleep. after that, she told me that lynn was coming over to just chill. lynn. that person that i have been hearing about all this while. it was somewhat like meeting queen eli- laughhs** no la. lynn is much prettier. "don't go doing that stupid hand sign on me again okay!!!" laughhs** she's nice. now i know why pisai could and would never get over her. she was.. as beautiful as how Hem used to be. sighh** the past.. are just.. nvm. we went up to the roof top passed the guitar around. and i got to learn a new song!!! smiles** fall to pieces-- yeah.. [**claps hand] i'm proud of myself. but then again, i'm kinda upset the same time cause i know that it'll be real soon that the guitar would have to return to its rightful owner. sighh** when will i have mine back? hmph~

    after a while, we went off to the canteen to eat. smiles** like finally. my poor tummy, growling for food. sighh** and kellyn won't stop calling me a potato. i'm not one. and i don't look like one. if i were a potato. then kellyn would be cabbage. laughhs** no la, i'm just fooling around.. dun you dare go and "WHA LAU" me again okay!! hehe... anyways. bact to the food. me and pisai ordered beef horfun and yimee. as for lynn, she simply took the fried rice. and we all shared this chicken salad thingi that, actually tasted quite nice. okay la. hehehe, perhaps it was only because i was hungry. we chilled outside the canteen for sometime. talking about how egoistic guys can be at times, about how good girls can actually get another girl so high. hehehe.. ok fine. most of it was about sex. but it definately wasn't because all of us were deprived or anything. but we just decided to somehow, lead our way to that perticular interesting topic. but we had a good time. or at least i hope so. and so... we went back up to pisai's room, watched the "butterfly effect" for the 6th time already. it wasn't boring, but me and pisai could actually still remember clearly on what happen next scene. yawns** ian was getting really bored.

    lynn left after that. 1/2 an hour later pisai came back. looking all... drained. i asked why. the current gf met pisai. [ who is like the ex-gf of lynn.] so pisai got uncomfortable and left. lynn passed a stack of DVDs to allow us to preoccupy our time together. do some bonding shit. it was nice of her to actually donate 1/2 of her sparkling water and 2 bags of snacks. lynn.. before the movie could start. it was already gone. laughhs** but thanks anyway..

    we decided to watch dirty dancing. the whole title was all erotic so, i guess we needed some form of entertainment by the night too right. so yupps. pops the dvd in. smiless** the movie was nice. with all the salsa and some rubbing and touching and kissing. ha. smiles** wells, towards the end. i had to run out. i had ... to. call.


    well, i missed her really badly. i did tell her that. but she didn't exactly give me a reply or even an acknoledgement. how sad right... cries** nvm. i cried. when i asked. "anything you wanna tell me about? " then in my heart i was hoping you would say that " i miss you and the day wasn't perfect without having you by my side" i dunno some mushy2 stuff would be nice once in a while. i'm sorry. really didn't mean to. hahaha... **smiles. well, she told me that " i need you" and i replied " i need you too" did i? yeah. i really did. i need you to be here to wipe away my tears .really. back to the whole crying thing. it was seriously on implulse. what had overcome me.. was just so scary. i heard her voice. everysingle time, i thought about our passionate kisses. and our wonderful expirences on the bed. or just simply hold your wonderful hands.. or just by having you close. baby, i miss you. i miss all of you.

    i need to like... close my eyes and just let me drift away to lala land. pisai is snoring. she's mumbling at the same time. now i feel lke a monk. ha. i love my pisai. haha.

    |i think you should leave

    <3 2:01 PM

    Tuesday, May 02, 2006

    hey people. its been a long time since i last blogged. sighh**

    life isn't like a box of chocolates anymore. its starting to taste all mouldy and soggy and all ... yucks!

    it was i think 02 may 06 that i went out with my bestie bro. pisai. as shown on the picture above. its our first picture together! i'm glad that we got to spent time together at the wonderful sun and and sea sentosa. we went off at 10am in the morning. got shower and head off to jp for some well earned food. we went to FISH & CO. !!! yippies. we ate sea food platter for 2. smiles. it was great. though i had this immense allergy to seafood, especially mussels and calamari and prawns [sighh**.. i know] i still went ahead stubbornly. haha. it was nice, filling and etc. the whole serving was all big and scrumptuous, we ate pigs. we ate like we've never eaten seafood before. wait... i think its only me. laughhs** the lemon butter rice was heavenly. breath-taking. omg. i so feel like eating them now. [to the management of fish & co. you guys really should sell the lemon butter rice on its own. charge it for $5 per plate. and i seriously think, me and pisai would still visit fish & co. just for it. smiless**] people. its really darn good. together with the lemon butter sauce. once you have that melting its way in your mouth, you can see the heaven gates opening with choirs of angels. haha. all right, i'm so craving for some butter rice now. someone.. help?

    we got myself a nice and new boardshorts from op. nice ones. light brown in colour and with some cool prints. i'm happy. seriously. i am. thanks pisai. hugss** and no people. i'm not gay. i'm still attached with my lovely baby. smiles.

    after the meal and everything. we set off for sentosa. like finally. smiles** when we got there .the beach was all crowded. omg. we saw so many bikini babes man. not that any of them were hot or anything. but i only had my baby. if only she was there with us. it'll be so much fun. right baby? smiles** the whole trip was fun. and luckily, the ipod didn't die on me. well, after walking for a million miles. haha.. we saw a nice cosy spot. laid down our mats [ provided by lynn. smiles** thanks. ] fag a stick, then went off to spraying the tanning lotion on each other. haha. one thing was bad that was there were so many indian foreigner [ah pu nene] eeee er. so er xin can? they were like all over the place. how sad. but siloso beach had so many people playing beach volleyball.. frisbee and stuff. smiles** so tempted to just join them.. nar, then again, laying there sun-basking myself with my brother.

    right after 45 mins,
    we started wondering, were in the world did the sun go? it got too cloudy already, just when we just turned over. how sad. so we decided to head off to the nearest 7eleven to get some water to hydrate ourselves again and to get panadol for my poor head. sighhs** the sun practically fried half my brain cells already. cries..** baby, pain...

    we sat down at coffeebean, drinking our big gulp. without ice cause that dumb machine was screwed up. it was all right. i bottled down 3 panadol with coke. we were both wondering what kind of effects does it have. but ohh well, nvm.

    changed of mood. crappy shit. maybe she belonged to someone else at the end of the day. goodbye to you. yupps the song of the day. even though i haven't heard it yet.
    sometimes, you know of how one just feels drained? yeah. thats me.

    ps. hopefully you guys get to see the video clip of us having a close encounter with the FBI. hehe. enjoy la eh?

    <3 12:56 PM